PHLURPH
“Presentation is half the pie.” - Sam '
mycontent[7]='
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mycontent[12]=' “Stop sayin harsh things to me.” - Sam '
mycontent[13]=' "Stop messin with my butt while I am asleep." - Sam '
mycontent[14]=' “I got a face like Opie.” – Gary '
mycontent[15]='
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mycontent[17]=' “I’m gonna have another laxative and then go study.” – Sam '
mycontent[18]=' “Do you wanna hear me itch my butt?” - Sam '
mycontent[20]=' “My balls make you sniffle?” – Sam '
mycontent[21]=' “What do you have to do to be a bad boy?” – Sam '
mycontent[22]=' “It can be a Christian whore-house, a basement of debasement.” – Ryan '
mycontent[23]=' “Would you like to have a Swedish boy sleeping in your bed?” - Mom '
mycontent[24]=' “I like Sam. You shouldn’t be peeing in front of him. He seems kinda innocent. I bet that’ll change with him knowin you.” – Mom'
mycontent[25]=' “And she used to just pull open her butt flaps…” – Mom '
mycontent[26]=' “The worst vomit I ever cleaned up was Cheezits.” – Becky '
mycontent[27]=' “I can spit up people’s sleeves! Behold the freak!” – Ryan '
mycontent[28]=' “Everything makes me think of something.” – Andrea '
mycontent[29]=' “He don’t have a butt but I won’t hold that against him.” – Mom '
mycontent[30]=' “You can’t walk around naked – there could be a fire!” – Mom, to me '
mycontent[31]=' “You dance like a Ronette.” – Jake '
mycontent[32]=' “She used to be a nun. It was like she divorced God.” – Donna '
mycontent[33]=' “Does he specialize in dead babies or something? Come on, I wanna know about the dead babies!” – Mom'
mycontent[34]=' “I’m gonna go eat my hotdog and wash my groin.” – Sam '
mycontent[35]=' “I’m getting kinda tired of drinking my own urine.” – Charles '
mycontent[36]=' “Ya know what I hate about fish is when they get that little string.” – Becky '
mycontent[37]='“I’m a used car salesman groupie.” – Bryan “My fuckin armpits stick out.” – Dad '
mycontent[39]=' “I don’t like hemorrhoids.” – Michael, age 6 '
mycontent[40]=' “I was pissed off at everybody so I got naked.” – Brandon '
mycontent[41]=' “They could sing the side off the laxative bottle and it would still sound wonderful.” – Dad re: the Neville bros. '
mycontent[42]='“I guess I brought that up because we were talking about putting weird things in your butt.” - Brandon '
mycontent[43]=' “I wanna be Maya Angelou. I don’t wanna be a crude little circus person.” – Mom '
mycontent[44]=' “Ooh booby girl! They’re so pointy they’re diggin into me.” – Mom'
mycontent[45]='“That’s their hobby – gumming cats.” – Matt '
mycontent[47]=' “I’m being controlled by complex starch molecules!” – Dad '
mycontent[48]='
“I can’t believe I was inspired by Milli Vanilli.” – Scott '
mycontent[50]=' “There’s always a Stinky Girl or a Dirty Sally in my life.” – Scott' mycontent[51]=' “You wonder why I put make-up in my hair don’t you?” – Amelia '
mycontent[52]=' “If you can’t memorize just cheat.” – Dr. V '
mycontent[53]=' “Damn, the playground was a rough scene.” – Brandon '
mycontent[54]=' “I don’t know why but she’d always say, ‘My peepee’s brown.’” – Brandon '
mycontent[55]=' “My gramma had an affair with a 35-year old Mexican.” – Brandon '
mycontent[56]=' “I have a picture of me takin a shit in the woods.” – Brandon '
mycontent[57]=' “I don’t mind a little sunshine up my ass. It tickles.” – Becky '
mycontent[58]=' “Sometimes that happens when I kiss a boy. We turn into cartoons.” – Becky '
mycontent[59]=' “Now I can see the future. I can see that you’re going to be a dope when you grow up.” – Michael, age 6'
mycontent[60]='“No, I just spit on it and defecate a little bit.” – Gary, when asked if he samples the pizza he delivers '
mycontent[61]=' “Jarin’s gonna fall in the mud and get kicked.” – Michael, age 6 '
mycontent[62]=' “Hey, my skin’s peeling off inside my mouf!” – Michael, age 6 '
mycontent[63]=' “Bop bop diddle bop bop diddle bop bop diddle chum chum. I just heard Indian rap music.” – Dad, upon return from convenience store'
mycontent[64]=' “I offer contrast to the world of niceness.” – Dad '
mycontent[65]=' “I hate awareness campaigns.” – Dad '
mycontent[66]=' “What did you do with your snot?” – Mom '
mycontent[67]='“I haven’t been here since I left.” – Dad '
mycontent[68]=' “Your ass envelops the world.” – Ryan '
mycontent[69]=' “Stop chasing me around.” – Betche '
mycontent[70]=' “I’m not a college student. I just live in the woods.” – guy who lives in the woods'
mycontent[71]='“The things I learn at your house….Uh, I think I need to leave.” – Sarah '
mycontent[72]='“Yeah, I mean there’s nothing more visual than punks.” – Edwin '
mycontent[73]=' “Some people just don’t want lives.” – Brian '
mycontent[74]=' “I got pooped on today.” – Fred, after bird encounter '
mycontent[75]=' “I hate candy that moves.” – Gary '
mycontent[76]=' “Let there be knickers.” – Donna '
mycontent[77]=' “Because that one dog has big long skinny shits.” – Mom '
mycontent[78]='“I just wanna go over there and observe them in their natural habitats. Let’s come up with a series of tests and just go over there.” – Donna, re: J. and C. '
mycontent[79]=' “What are you doing?” – me“I’m doing you a perm.” – Brandon '
mycontent[80]='“I just want to lay in bed and smell myself…smell my arm.” – Sarah '
mycontent[81]=' “I used to laugh like that little oven-baked dude.” – John '
mycontent[82]=' “I had a pediatrician named Dr. Nasty.” – Jake '
mycontent[83]=' “I am a freak myself but you are the winner.” – Hiroshi '
mycontent[84]=' “I’ve gotta go wax psychotic with (Dr.) Weiner.” – Charlie, about to attempt to wrangle drugs from psychologist'
mycontent[85]='“She chases air and licks her butt? It sounds like me.” – Fred '
mycontent[86]='“I’m gonna break my TV if you’re ever on my screen.” – Hiroshi '
mycontent[87]=' “My hair got frozen.” – Hiroshi '
mycontent[88]='“I’d be a nice person if I didn’t hate people.” – Dad '
mycontent[89]=' “I’m really hot so don’t tell me what to read.” – Ryan'
mycontent[90]=' “Five dollars a spanking!? What kind of spanking?” – Dairy '
mycontent[91]=' “I’ll do something romantic when I lose control of my bladder, that’s for sure.” – Dairy '
mycontent[92]='“The pitcher from Toledo University has only one testicle. I know this for a fact because he went to my high school. They call him Schmaz.” – Ryan '
mycontent[93]=' “Her name is Betty but she prefers to be called Hotdog.” – Sheila '
mycontent[94]=' “I have no money to buy cracks.” – Hiroshi '
mycontent[95]='“She’s probably pulled over someplace havin’ the mono.” – Amelia, re: Sarah '
mycontent[96]=' “It’s a regular circus back at your place.” - Abbajoe '
mycontent[97]='“I bet you don’t write about Dairy and Abbajoe’s wieners.” – Mom '
mycontent[98]='“You’ve gotta stop asking people (cabbies) if it rained.” – Dad, to Mom“Normal people talk about rain.” – Mom '
mycontent[99]='“There’s a party tonight but its Bring Your Own Ryan.” – Me“I am a Ryan unto myself.” – Ryan '
mycontent[100]=' “I am the toilet paper queen.” – Nana '
mycontent[101]=' “Oregon? What’s Oregon?”- Jarin '
mycontent[102]=' "You can’t be stupid until you try. After you try then you can be stupid." – Mom '
mycontent[103]=' "And Betche’s pretty sexy and all, but I can only have sex with him so many times." – Joe, on why women were invented'
mycontent[104]=' "Why did you touch me Betche?" – Gary"Because I love you Gary." – Betche '
mycontent[105]='![]() "Like I’ll drive and every now and then I’ll come across smells that smell like your vagina." – Sam'
mycontent[106]=' "That’s obviously the seat of his power. There’s probably some gemstone in there keeping him alive." – Gary, re: Ryan’s belly '
mycontent[107]='![]() "Did I tell you about Jarin? He stepped in a big pile of shit… so what does he do? He goes out the next night and steps in the same pile of shit." – Mom'
mycontent[108]='![]() "The head of Nana is coming to you but its bloody on the neck part." - Cousin Michael, age 6'
mycontent[109]=' "Whoa, I almost got hit by a dog!" - Sam, driving![]() ' mycontent[110]=' ![]() "I got every kind of musical instrument. I even got the nose - I can pick it or blow it." - Grampa'
mycontent[111]=' "I sweat glitter." - Sam '
mycontent[112]='“Something very disturbing happened to me last night. I was blowing my nose and my boogers were black…That’s never happened to me before.” – Candy '
mycontent[113]='![]() “I’m a freak. I was created in a lab and grown in a petri dish like some fungus. Why did Stefano have to do that to me?” – soap opera dialogue'
mycontent[114]='![]() “So are there any high school people at your house right now? They’re so ripe and juicy. . . I’ve been tryin to meet Amish boys.” – Donna'
mycontent[115]=' “I still got a little body of Christ in my molar. Man, I need to wash that body of Christ down with a beer.” – Sam, after communion at friend’s wedding '
mycontent[116]=' “Santa, I’m slipping off your knee.” - Scott“That’s not my knee little boy.” - Jeffi “You’re a big Santa. I don’t think I’m a little boy anymore.” - Scott' mycontent[117]=' “So, you’re half-Mennonite?” – me“It’s not an ethnicity!” - Gary' mycontent[118]=' “I love to scratch my butt. Like I don’t even know if it itches but I like it.” - Sofia '
mycontent[119]='“Can I sniff your ass? That’s love.” – Gary '
mycontent[120]=' “I ain’t got no uterus either.” – Brian '
mycontent[121]=' “Po goes looking for a ho.” – Mom, adding to Teletubby script '
mycontent[122]=' “Taking into account the public’s regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.” – Janeane Garofalo'
mycontent[123]=' “And my peepee gets dry if I don’t wear underwear for a couple of days and its windy outside.” – Zed '
mycontent[124]=' “You got a dime bag full of raisins here. What is going on?” – Sam '
mycontent[125]='“Give it away give it away give it away now! I could be part of that group.” – Mom '
mycontent[126]=' “Its all sunshine, lollipops, and death.” – Gary '
mycontent[127]='![]() “Their sexual hormones get better whereas ours get worse like tainted cheese.” – Charlie'
mycontent[128]=' “I vomitted in your boob!…Is there milk in there?…My dad has the little kind with no milk, just boogers…We went to a booger contest. You have to answer booger riddles and do the Macarena…We won a giant booger statue.” – Michael, age 6 '
mycontent[129]=' “When God created guineas, he was in a good mood.” - Sam '
mycontent[130]='![]() “I gotta go work on that, what’s it called, splooge case.” – Mom, incorporating a new word she learned from South Park into her vocabulary in reference to an incident in which a high-school kid alleged that a fellow student who just had sex with someone else wiped semen (from her vagina?) onto his face'
mycontent[131]=' “There’s a penis under the chair and you better get it out!” – Mom, re-enacting a conversation she had with my brother '
mycontent[132]=' “100 pounds of punk rock fury.” – Jake, describing Janie'
mycontent[133]=' “I wonder if people would be able to recognize their own butt. I don’t think I could.” – Donna'
mycontent[134]=' “Well he abuses the couch but I think he prefers to abuse the bed.” – Amelia '
mycontent[135]=' “It’s not carpeted on the way to Mecca.” - Gary '
mycontent[136]=' “I was lost when I was found. I was there but I wasn’t.” – Mom '
mycontent[137]='“Damn you and the coefficient of friction you rode in on.” – Andrea '
mycontent[138]=' “Samir? Yeah, I call him ‘Smear.’ He doesn’t care.” – Jarin '
mycontent[139]='![]() “Whoa! You guys made a lot of babies!” – Man on the street to women strolling babies'
mycontent[140]=' “You’ve got Abduls mackin’ on ya.” – Brian '
mycontent[141]=' “Nuggets of love.” – Dairy, describing cats '
mycontent[142]=' “I wish we could get an extra hour every hour.” – Charlie '
mycontent[143]=' “I didn’t feel like asking you about a person or hemorrhoids so I walked off.” – Wendell'
mycontent[144]=' “No, I have to pay $10.00 for a brain.” – Andrea '
mycontent[145]=' “All the boys think you’re a spaz Gary.” – Me“Is that Shakespeare?” – Gary '
mycontent[146]='“We should urinate on the sidewalk. I’m looking forward to it.” – Amelia '
mycontent[147]='“Because we knew gimps would be there, with bells on, with leather bells...” – Ryan '
mycontent[148]=' “You’ve got a hair in your mouth. You’re gonna get choked.” – Mom '
mycontent[149]=' “Its so gross! I wanna see it some more!” – Andrea '
mycontent[150]=' “If you had to walk around in a box while you shit, you’d have that look on your face too.” – Ryan'
mycontent[151]=' “I saw reddish highlights but I thought it was the Schlitz sign.” – Fred, re: Andrea’s hair'
mycontent[152]=' “They’re dumb and round.” – Amelia, re: children '
mycontent[153]='“I remember actually asking permission if I could say cock.” – Jake '
mycontent[154]=' “I know you’re all closet naked Nazis.” – Charlie '
mycontent[155]=' “I got little cat pieces all over me.” – Chris K. '
mycontent[156]=' “Why does my truck smell like rancid herpe-ridden butthole?” – Janie '
mycontent[157]='“And then when I’m 50 I’ll just turn into a big ball of snot.” – Rick '
mycontent[158]=' “Please don’t give me a copy of Joe’s butt. But thanks for asking.” – Gary'
mycontent[159]=' “I’m a big Fallopian tube bouncing in the sky.” – Amelia '
mycontent[160]=' “Aah! More creamy pus!” – Andrea '
mycontent[161]='“I guess his penis turned blue and he went to the doctor.” – Charlie '
mycontent[162]='“Did I ever tell ya about my great-grandmother who used to talk to her finger?” – Sarah '
mycontent[163]=' “I hope I never have a boyfriend named Odie.” – Andrea '
mycontent[164]=' “I have no soul but I have the shirt.” – Gary '
mycontent[165]='
“But I just don’t think you should worry about sink holes everywhere you go.” – Noah'
mycontent[167]=' “You’re young, attractive, and Appalachian.” – AbbaJoe'
mycontent[168]=' “But a big piece of hotdog came out of my nose that one time.” – Amelia'
mycontent[169]=' “I’ve said shit in my mind. That’s pretty much it. I haven’t said it all week. FUCK. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I like to laugh. It reminds me of Mary Poppins. Okay. I’m drunk.” – Andrea'
mycontent[170]=' “You are so hot and steamy, you make me hurt.” – Ryan, talking to his lunch“He doesn’t sound right to me.” – Nana, re: Ryan' mycontent[171]=' “If I could bottle smell in a bottle. . .” – Gary'
mycontent[172]=' “We’ve been to the sauerkraut festival. . . and they had sauerkraut. I thought that was really interesting.” – Charlie'
mycontent[173]=' “I don’t need no pickle juice in my butt, no thankyou Cupcake!” – Amelia '
mycontent[174]=' “Spy rock . . .that is the path, man.” – Dairy '
mycontent[175]=' “You know, Slim Goodbody tapes his penis. Were you aware of that?” – Gary'
mycontent[176]=' “My brother’s feet smell like Doritos.” – Amelia '
mycontent[177]=' “I was so bored in music class that I’d just let my leg fall asleep for fun.” – Jarin'
mycontent[178]='“We won’t be able to see ya in Pennsylvania unless we have really good eyes.” – Jarin '
mycontent[179]=' “Animals enjoy being naked.” – Charmaine '
mycontent[180]=' “They gave me a penis test.” – Jarin, re: physical“What? He poked on your penis? There’s no purpose in poking on someone’s penis.” – Mom “He looked at it.” – Jarin “To see if it was still there, that you hadn’t rubbed it off?...Oh, I thought he stuck his finger up your butt.” - Mom'
mycontent[181]=' “Progressive penis failure!” – Gary, gesturing at Betche with a hockey stick'
mycontent[182]=' “She looked at me like I wasn’t me, but then she was like, okay, you are you.” – Brian'
mycontent[183]=' “He kept threatening to cut his head off. But I like him. He’s good people.” – Amelia'
mycontent[184]=' “Woo Betche, you’re wet, just the way I like it.” – Brian'
mycontent[185]='“If he doesn’t have a penis I don’t wanna be there when you ask him.” – Janie '
mycontent[186]=' “I think this means we should start drinking again.” – Charlie, when it started raining in the morning'
mycontent[187]='“I got something for Remington to shave.” – Noah '
mycontent[188]=' “Can I kiss your anus?” – Kevin '
mycontent[189]=' “They’re so cute and little. I want to eat them.” – Charmaine, re: remote controls'
mycontent[190]=' “You’re breakin my heart Sparky.” – Jake, on public access '
mycontent[191]='“I was shootin turkey out of my nose for hours.” – Amelia '
mycontent[192]=' “If you all don’t do nothin then there’s nothin to do.” – Mom '
mycontent[193]=' “Big butt, Warm butt, Big butt, Warm butt.” – Ryan, alternating between me and Gary '
mycontent[194]=' “You’re obsessed with urination.” – Ryan'
mycontent[195]='“I’ve smelled many asses in my life.” – Jake![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() '
mycontent[196]=' “There are 17 ways to spell Brian.” – Bryan '
mycontent[197]=' “He was doin ‘Tiptoe through the Tulips’ and I was thinkin, who is this loser?” – Joe, seeing Tiny Tim in concert as a child'
mycontent[198]=' “He had absolutely no butt. He was buttless. He walked funny too.” – Mom'
mycontent[199]=' “I have a fish named Stumpy.” – Rachel '
mycontent[200]=' “I’m off to the aerobathon. Don’t wait up!” – Andrea'
mycontent[201]=' “It jumped outta my belly button and ran for the drain.” – Jetogi, re: belly button fuzz'
mycontent[202]=' “Oh man, I don’t wanna see some guy with a potato.” – Dawn, channel surfing'
mycontent[203]=' “He was humpin’ all the time I was there…He was just humping to hump.” – Mom'
mycontent[204]=' “The only exercise I get is walking to the bar so I try to do that as often as possible.” – Charlie'
mycontent[205]='
"He lettered in rodeo I guess." - Distant relative describing high school student in Texas'
mycontent[208]='
"My penis actually wards off bandits." - Jake '
mycontent[210]=' "We walked out of Tipitinas and there was robots everywhere - giant robots. I didnt know how they were gonna get in the door." - Sam, meeting Gwar fans'
mycontent[211]=' "I dont like this Guinness." - Betche, after requesting Guinness'
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Bubble foot
Tuesday I sprained my ankle. Bad.
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